Infidelity is still a complicated and multi faceted phenomenon in relationships, hidden behind secrecy and societal taboo.
Recent discussions have illuminated a particularly intriguing aspect: instances where heteros3xual men are having extramarital affairs with other men.
This phenomenon upsets widely accepted notions of s3xual orientation and fidelity and leads us to delve deeper into the reasons behind these behaviours and the larger sociological forces at work.
S3xual identity and behavior don’t always line up in a linear fashion.
Research shows that a large percentage of heteros3xuals in marriage have at one time or another experienced same s3x attraction or involvement.
In particular, studies suggest 10% of straight men have s3xually or romantically felt attracted to someone the same s3x.
This gap between s3xual identity and behavior can be explained by many things, such as societal influences, a personal curiosity or the fluidity of human s3xuality.
This discrepancy often drives people to be secretive about their desires, because they have to live with the social expectation and their commitments.
The traditional definition of masculinity is a very strict set of expectations of men which includes that they are heteros3xual.
Societal norms can force men to ignore, or deny, same s3x attractions and leave men in internal conflict, with hidden behaviors.
Some men may resort to seeking same-s3x encounters discreetly to explore suppressed aspects of their s3xuality but to do so in a way not rebellious or challenging to their public identity of and under pressure to conform to heteronormative standards.
Infidelity can be influenced by a lot of opportunities.
Anonymity or discretion provides environments in which suppressed desires are acted on.
Take for example, same s3xual contacts in which the opportunity of men to engage in such encounters sans public embarrassment allows for tendencies that may otherwise stay dormant.
Another catalyst for infidelity can, alternatively, be emotional dissatisfaction within a primary relationship that pushes you in a more extreme direction. Sometimes, this causes men to go outside their marriage for emotional intimacy or validation, and on more extreme occasions, same-s3x encounters.
When s3xual orientation and s3xual curiosity collide with a pursuit of emotional connection, they can lead to behaviors that are more aligned with unmet emotional needs than s3xual orientation.
The betrayal and breach of trust that seems to always follow the discovery of infidelity, is every bit as real even when it isn’t husband on wife.
But if infidelity takes the form of a same s3x encounter, the the confusion and emotional upheaval that ensues for both partners can be multiplied.
There are issues that cloud your husband or partner’s head about your s3xual orientation, the authenticity of your relationship, perception of society, which complicates their journey of understanding and healing.
The reasons for infidelity are complex and individualized but some general themes come out in cases involving heteros3xual-identifying men who have same s3xual affairs.
S3xual curiosity, emotional fulfillment, the thrill of novelty, and societal pressures, are among the many repeat factors.
It could be that some men have latent same s3x attractions they explore outside a heteros3xual marriage, and these encounters are an opportunity to understand their s3xuality.
Some are looking for emotional closeness, for understanding, or for validation of something that isn’t there in their relationship with their spouse.
Secretive or taboo activities can also bring a lot of excitement and, therefore, become a powerful motivator for people to act out of pattern.
Those men who have been heavily conditioned to conform to heteros3xual norms might find themselves torn between their true desires, and their outward persona, resulting in secretive same-s3x encounters as a sort of compromise between the two.
Yet, the issue is heteros3xual-identifying men who have same-s3x extramarital affairs, an event which raises the complexity of human s3xuality and the effect which s3xual norms have in people’s behaviors.
If we can bring open dialogues, if we can foster dialogue around s3xuality and bear down as hard as possible on the rigid constructs that society places in terms of what ‘male’ is, because that male subject position is written so cleanly—’that man, that man over there’—then maybe we’ll reduce s3xual secrecy, and that’s a good thing.
Often, these stories reveal a startling truth: Though outwardly committed to heteros3xual marriage, men are going after same-s3x encounters, secretly.
As partners report, this betrayal isn’t just about the act, but the lies, the secrecy about it.
The accounts show a desire to be real and accepted — not only by the people involved, but their unsuspecting partners.
When we understand the hidden dynamics of these situations we can start to create a society that is more inclusive and one that is based on truth and trust.
