A young woman who ripped out her own eyes has revealed the reason why she did it.
Kaylee Muthart, from Anderson, South Carolina, was a straight-A student and even in the National Honor Society when she left school aged 17, midway through eleventh grade.
With working long hours to save up for a car and having a heart arrhythmia – an irregular heartbeat – her grades slipped.
Rather than jeopardize her academic records, Muthart decided to take time off school.
Eventually, she wanted to secure a college scholarship and study marine biology, which had always been an aspiration of hers.
By the age of 18, Muthart was drinking alcohol socially and smoking weed regularly, alongside working her part-time job.
She told Cosmopolitan addiction runs in her family, adding: “I actively avoided what I considered more serious drugs.”
Yet when Muthart smoked pot with an acquaintance aged 19, she experienced a ‘strange high’ she’d never felt before.
She’d always been religious but this particular high made her feel closer to God – she suspects the weed had been laced with either cocaine or meth.
Following the experience, the 19-year-old felt ‘betrayed’ by her friend, so she left the job to distance herself from him.
She never ended up returning to school.
During this time Muthart’s life started to deteriorate, she had no job and her way of dealing with it all was to drink and smoke more.
Soon, she began taking Xanax, which produces a calming effect on the brain, helping to reduce anxiety and encourage relaxation.
Then, following a breakup with her boyfriend, Muthart experienced a breakdown.
Although she eventually got a new job, she still felt ‘lonely’ and ‘unhappy.’
Muthart recounted to Cosmopolitan: “I remembered the way I felt on the laced weed and sought that kind of peace again.
“At the end of August, with another acquaintance, I decided to smoke meth for the first time.”
The experience led to ‘hallucinations’ and she spent an hour picking at her skin until she drew blood.
Embarrassed by the welts this caused, Muthart began missing work and soon lost her job.
Although she decided to avoid meth, she found herself reaching out to a roommate who dealt ecstasy.
She recalled: “While on ecstasy, I studied the Bible. I misinterpreted a lot of it. I convinced myself that meth would bring me even closer to God.
“So, after Thanksgiving, when I was feeling particularly lonely, I smoked meth with a friend. Within two months, I progressed to snorting it, then shooting it as often as I could by myself or with friends.”
Muthart tried to stop her addiction ‘two or three times’ but to no avail. Her mother was left ‘helpless’ as she struggled to get her into rehab or a psychiatric facility – without proof she was a danger to herself she couldn’t have her committed.
She told her mom she had ‘everything under control’ and avoided speaking to her but eventually saw her again.
Muthart agreed to go to a rehab facility the following week. She later learned her mother had recorded the conversation which included her saying the world was ‘too evil’ – her mom felt this would be the proof needed to get a court order and have her committed.
Yet the next day she purchased meth and took ‘a larger dose than I’d ever used before.’
Kaylee Muthart has revealed why she decided to rip out her own eyes. Credit: Kaylee Muthart
The next morning, Muthart was still high and hallucinating. From what she can recollect, she wandered along a railroad track.
“It was then I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me,” she recalled.
“I thought everything would end abruptly, and everyone would die, if I didn’t tear out my eyes immediately.”
As Muthart came to this conclusion, a man she’d been staying with, who happened to have a Biblical name, drove by and called out.
Taking this as a sign, she gorged her eyes out of their sockets by pushing her thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each eye – the drugs numbing any pain.
Muthart’s screams of ‘I want to see the light!’ were heard by a pastor who restrained her from continuing the attack on herself.
He later said she was still holding onto her eyeballs when he found her, although squished they were somehow still attached to her head.
When paramedics arrived, Muthart was sedated and airlifted via helicopter to Greenville Memorial Hospital in South Carolina.
While this was all happening, her mom was on her way to the courthouse attempting to get her committed. Sadly, she was too late.
To preserve Muthart’s optic nerves and prevent infection, doctors performed emergency surgery to remove what was left of her eyes.
During her week in the hospital, she was offered drugs to ease the pain, however, she only accepted them once or twice, as she was committed to staying off drugs.
Following her recovery, she was transferred to a psychiatric inpatient treatment facility, which is where she was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Although life is harder now she’s blind, Muthart feels ‘optimistic’ about her future and would still love to become a marine biologist.
She concluded: “It took losing my sight to get me back on the right path, but from the bottom of my heart, I’m so glad I’m here.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-4357 in the U.S.A.
In the U.K., you can contact FRANK at 0300 123 6600 or http://talktofrank.com for confidential advice and information about drugs, their effects, and the law.
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